I've woken up in the early hours and can't get back to sleep because this thought keeps racing round my head so I'm writing it down and owning it.. Here's how far these problems go back:
I didn't have a 21st Birthday Do. Not for friends, not for family. Not even drinks. My parents offered but I turned it down. Because I thought nobody would come anyway. I can't remember what I did that night, except I stayed home.
Same with my 18th.
I preferred not to have one because I was certain and ashamed that I would be proved right and no-one would turn up.
It could fairly be said that I didn't have a life because I thought no-one would turn up, so I stayed home.
These problems go back a very long way and has been messing up my life since puberty. It's frightening
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