Yesterday Evening I stepped from a bus next to the Eccles Metrolink and as I did so, a young woman sitting waiting looked at me with a look of delight and welcome and love suddenly transforming her face. I knew it was a freak of chance and turned to look behind me, and directly behind me was a tall young man she sprang up to hug and kiss.
I have never - not ever- in my life seen a woman with that look meant for me. Not from youth to the edge of age.
I used until very recently to think that all this matter of courtship, of desire, of love, was something difficult to achieve, but a friend pointed out to me this time last year that it's the norm and it's I who am not part of the norm.
I can list the reasons why I think it never happened for me, and I can also give counter-examples to every single one of those reasons. I could even state the most obvious, external appearance - that for most of my adult life I was fat and bald, but only last Friday I was talking to a fat bald man who was telling me his girlfriend was worried he might have diabetes. I thought "you have a girlfriend?".
This emptiness that has been my life is too extreme for the causes I can trace.
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