After a week of doing quite well my mood has crashed after the podiatrist said I had probably developed Dependent Oedema and after discovering that my blood pressure is now a high 159/98, these despite all the medication I take and my having lost some weight and started doing a lot of walking. I can't hold back the tears.
Lately I've finally realised that when I was a young man I pretty much had everything I needed, that I had been as good as anyone else, in some ways better than most, and that the problems I thought I had, problems of appearance for instance, weren't real. My father used to say when I was young "If I'd had what you have, I'd have conquered the world". Well, Dad, if I'd not had you, perhaps I really would have conquered the world.
Now that I realise that most of my problems were psychological and were inculcated by my dad, I look back and see how I was led to turn the meadows of my entire life into parched wasteland. And I know I can get none of it back. And I'm so afraid that the health problems I've given myself, which are plainly worsening, are problems I can't come back from and I will have had no life at all before I die.
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