Back to Openness

I've become doubly and stupidly embarrassed to post topics here that might make me look small or perverse in H's eyes. A tiny part of the emotional me hangs on to a distant hope that I can win her to me, and cries "don't write that, it will lesson your tiny chance once you've put your life and health in some order". The thinking me knows that while little is utterly impossible, the chance of this is so vanishingly small as to be not worth considering. Another part of me forgets that I've already revealed my core of seediness and perversity on previous blogs and she has read them, so she already knows about me.

Had I expected to fall for her I would have never have mentioned these things at all, but I didn't expect to fall and I have mentioned them.

This was not a problem with Ian, he already knew my sexual outlook at least in overview, as does Olga. Olga indeed knows more than anyone. Rh has a good idea of my proclivities if not an understanding of the details, and given that she told me quite recently, without encouragement from me, that she likes giving head but doesn't like getting eaten out herself, I can't imagine she would or will be shocked. John also knows my tastes and I know his, so if he finds this blog he won't be taken aback. And I was never going to fall any of them, they're the wrong sex or too old for my tastes.

I resolve to be open again, and see if writing about my sexuality and my pornography helps me, and forget about what effect it might have on other people's opinions of me. As for H, she either likes me as a person despite what she already seen and read, or she doesn't. The worst I'm doing is reminding her of something she already knows.

To begin with I've republished several posts that I wrote and then reduced to Draft status from shame.

Henceforward back to openness.