Was

The song unsung
The love not made
The flesh unknown
The promise lost

The time long past
The time unused
Was time still spent
And time that ends

And Another Bone

Again, in the early hours, a full hard on.

This really must be fundamentally psychological

Cockwatch

Another boner last night, normal size and firmness - again, on the edge of sleep in the early hours.

Another sign that my impotence isn't physiological

Distress

In session with my Eating Disorders Psychologist last Thursday she told me that she was suspending my dieting treatment because she doesn't think that I have an eating disorder as such, she thinks that I have such a deep sense of shame and self-criticism that it disables me, and that the only effective mechanism I presently have to soothe my distress is eating to the point of discomfort to stifle it. She is continuing to treat me for at least another four sessions, but she will be trying instead to come up with a strategy to help me cope with the distress I feel, so that she can perhaps continue with the weight-loss therapy afterwards if it succeeds. She says she doesn't want to take away my one source of self-soothing even though it is causing me health problems and exacerbating my psychological problems, because she seriously fears for my mental health if she did.

I've known all my adult life there was something badly wrong, although until this impotence began and it shut down my sense of a future, I did have other things I could do to distract myself from how bad I felt.

I've explained elsewhere that when I came to realise why I felt so paralysed - the years of bullying from my dad, and my being mocked and excluded by other kids and even by teachers at school because I was fat - and I told John G, he said "I knew it. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I suspected it had a lot to do with your dad: of all the people I've known, you were the one who should have been supercharged for success, and I knew it must have been something huge that was holding you down".

Asking me about my feelings and my hopes, My psychologist said "you must feel very frustrated and feel that life has been very unjust".

Yes.

On a tangent, I remembered yesterday evening that in the couple of years before my dad died, my mam told me she had been looking for a little job and a bedsit so that she could move out and leave him, so bad had their marriage become. At the time she would have been nearly 70. I think she probably would have done had he not taken ill and her sense of duty made her stay and nurse him. In a fair world, he would have been the one who left.

She was a better person by far than he was. She was a sweet, kind woman.

It occurred to me yesterday that he was essentially Gollum from the Lord of the Rings, a shrivelled creature obsessed with having his treasure and with hiding it from us and the world so it did nothing for him and us except eat him up and deform our lives.

Straight Back At Ya, Abdul

What we must do:

Turkey to be handed to Greece, converted to Orthodox Christianity or atheism and renamed Elleniki Anatolios. Any muslims refusing conversion to be deported to "Dar ul-Islam". Analogous processes to be implemented in all the following cases.

Iran to be made a protectorate of the UN and renamed Greater Armenia, with a province reserved for returning Zoroastrians aka Parsis.

The Caucasus islamistans to be dissolved and merged into New Georgia and handed back to the Buddhists and Zoroastrians

Syria to be placed under the control of Lebanese Maronite and Orthodox Christians and renamed Syria Christiana.

Jordan and the Arabian Peninsula to be renamed Isra'el Transjordan on the understanding that the Israeli armed forces turn Mecca and Medina to plains of irradiated glass.

The whole of North Africa to be renamed Sub-Mediterranean Europe, except for Egypt, which will be renamed Egypt from its present namer Misr, and handed back to the Copts.

Pakistan and Afghanistan to be renamed and repopulated as the Central Asian Buddhist Republic.


Malaysia and Indonesia to be renamed the Balinese Archipelago.

A small cave complex  in the Tora Bora mountains of the newly renamed Central Asian Buddhist Republic to be declared "the Abode of Islam (Dar ul-Islam)  and made home to the world's remaining muslims. As there will be no arable land, the UN to supply them with all the pork they can eat.

Let's see how they like getting payback for the murder of over 100,000,000 non-muslims.

Cockwatch continued

I was woken up today by rolling onto a  healthy morning glory which deflated as soon as I realised it was there.

Baffling - as if my something in my waking mind wants it not to work.

Three Synchronicities and a Memory

Very weird day: three synchronicities

• I'd been unable to find a suitable photo of an owl in any of my own reference material but wanted to draw the knicker owl - Ian's original idea- in my couple of hours at that stART project. I went in there, looked through their minimal library, found one book on birds and opened it at random on the only pair of pages in the entire book depicting owls, with a perfect reference photo.
• At home I bagged up some spilled papers only to find a transcript of John S's diary for 5th May 1981
• I put my recently bought CD of Philip Glass's "Glassworks" on my portable player and simultaneously amongst the spilled papers found one side of a letter to Ian from 1983 where I was recommending the vinyl LP of Philip Glass's "Glassworks".

Separately, in the Class today, the radio was tuned to a local pop station playing 60s hits. "(I Wish I Was) Bobby's Girl" came on and I remembered it playing on a quite day in the 3rd Year when John G wasn't in, and Lorraine saying "I love this. I wish my name was Roberta" and then looking slyly at me and saying "I wish I was Bobby's girl".

When I remembered it today I fell sick and vertiginous.

I also found the recent photo-booth photos I got for my driving licence - looking at them, bald, fat, old, double chin and all, I don't look so bad. Not the face I'd been taught to loathe.

I'm starting to feel sure that my life has been wasted because of a small chain of things I misunderstood or misperceived. Today was a bit like doing the blog last year, when things I'd forgotten rose unbidden from my memory nearly every day, sometimes several times a day.

As I said, a weird day.