Today - Saturday 3rd October - has been a bad day. Overwhelmed yesterday by happening on a disliked "schoolfriend", ugly, rude, fat, short, self-regarding - and finding that at the age of 48 he had found a woman and got married, I felt ever more low-spirited, at the thought that even this arsehole now has a wife and I still haven't the first idea what to do or where to start at 50.
How sweet it would be to spend a boring weekend with a woman I loved, just sitting around and watching the TV, going to the shops with her, just sitting next to her on the Sofa. This normal life that nearly every man and woman lives, that I have never even been able to take the first step towards.
I'm so weary and so lonely. If I'd known this was to be my life I would have killed myself decades ago. It's very hard not to do it now - I think about it more and more.
I felt so bad I cried in the street and cried uncontrollably when I got in my flat. Just typing this I'm crying again from thinking about it
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