Digging My Grave with My Teeth

On the radio moments ago I heard the story of young woman who took up with a self-harming boyfriend.

I know a formerly homeless man, an ex-heroin addict who used to self-harm and bears the scars on his forearms, who has a girlfriend and a 13 year old daughter to another woman.

I was thinking how could they find love and I couldn't. Then it struck me that they were probably outwardly normal looking men. Women just like men are shallow in their initial attraction to potential partners and lovers.

Given that except for five years between the ages of 18 and 23 I have been morbidly obese since middle childhood, what did - what do - I expect but that women did not - do not - find me attractive and I found it hard to find work?

It's not as if I didn't realise what I was doing as I overate and overate compulsively for decades until my health and prospects were gone.

I have not lived my life, I have been very very slowly committing suicide.